Glossary
Free ChapterA quick-reference guide for navigating the language of neurodivergence. Use this to decode reports, explain concepts to relatives, or just remind yourself that there's a name for what you're experiencing.
A
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) A neurodevelopmental condition characterised by dysregulation of attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. It is not a deficit of attention, but difficulty regulating where attention is directed. What it looks like: Hyperfocusing on Lego for hours but unable to focus on homework for 5 minutes; interrupting conversations; losing items daily. Read more: Chapter 2
Allostatic Load The cumulative "wear and tear" on the body and brain caused by chronic stress. In parenting, this is the physical exhaustion from constantly managing meltdowns and vigilance. What it looks like: Feeling physically drained even after sleep; easy startle response; frequent illness; "burnout." Read more: Chapter 9
Amygdala The brain's "threat detection centre" or "smoke alarm." It triggers the fight-flight-freeze response. In many neurodivergent children, it is hyper-sensitive. What it looks like: Immediate, explosive reaction to a small trigger (e.g., wrong sock); inability to "hear" logic during a meltdown. Read more: Chapter 5
Amygdala Hijack When the amygdala takes over and shuts down the prefrontal cortex (thinking brain). The child is operating purely on survival instinct. What it looks like: "Flipping their lid"; screaming, hitting, running; unable to process language or consequences. Read more: Chapter 5
ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) A neurodevelopmental condition characterised by differences in social communication, sensory processing, and restricted/repetitive behaviours or interests. What it looks like: Deep passion for specific topics; sensitivity to sound/touch; preference for routine; literal interpretation of language. Read more: Chapter 2
Autistic Inertia Difficulty stopping a task or starting a new one. A body at rest stays at rest; a body in motion stays in motion. What it looks like: Getting "stuck" on the couch for hours; meltdowns when asked to stop a video game instantly; difficulty initiating a shower. Read more: Chapter 6
B
Betrayal Trauma Trauma resulting from a violation of trust by a person/institution on which one depends (e.g., a co-parent, school, or partner). What it looks like: Panic attacks when receiving an email from an ex; inability to trust school promises; hypervigilance. Read more: Chapter 3
BIFF Method A communication protocol for high-conflict co-parenting: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. What it looks like: Sending a 3-sentence email about pickup times instead of a 3-paragraph defence of your parenting. Read more: Chapter 3
Body Doubling A productivity strategy where another person is present while a task is completed. The "double" doesn't do the work, but their presence provides an anchor for focus. What it looks like: Sitting in the room while your child cleans their floor; working on your laptop while they do homework. Read more: Chapter 4
Buffer Zone A designated period of low-demand time used to transition between environments (e.g., school to home, mum's house to Dad's house). What it looks like: 30 minutes of iPad/snack time immediately after school before chores or questions begin. Read more: Chapter 6
C
Co-regulation The process by which a regulated adult nervous system calms a dysregulated child's nervous system. It is the precursor to self-regulation. What it looks like: Sitting quietly near a screaming child; breathing deeply so they can "borrow" your calm; using a low, slow voice. Read more: Chapter 5
Compassion Fatigue / Empathy Fatigue The emotional and physical exhaustion that comes from prolonged exposure to another's distress. What it looks like: Feeling numb when your child cries; irritability; inability to care about small problems. Read more: Chapter 9
Context Blindness Difficulty using context to interpret a situation. What it looks like: Acting the same way with a principal as with a peer; not understanding why a joke is funny in one setting but rude in another. Read more: Chapter 7
D
Demand Avoidance A natural human resistance to being told what to do. In PDA (see below), this is extreme and anxiety-driven. What it looks like: Refusing to put on shoes simply because you said "Put on your shoes." Read more: Chapter 2
Double Empathy Problem The theory that communication breakdowns between autistic and non-autistic people are a two-way street. It is not that autistic people lack empathy, but that the two groups have different communication styles and struggle to understand each other. What it looks like: An autistic person communicating perfectly well with another autistic person, but struggling with a neurotypical person. Read more: Chapter 8
Dopamine A neurotransmitter involved in reward, motivation, and focus. ADHD brains often have lower baseline levels or inefficient transport of dopamine. What it looks like: Seeking constant stimulation (screen, sugar, risk); inability to start boring tasks; "slump" after excitement. Read more: Chapter 2
Dysregulation A state where the nervous system is overwhelmed and unable to manage emotional or sensory input. What it looks like: Meltdowns, shutdowns, manic laughter, aggression, withdrawal. Read more: Chapter 5
E
Executive Function (EF) The brain's "management system"—skills including planning, organisation, working memory, task initiation, impulse control, and flexible thinking. What it looks like: Losing the coat daily; forgetting instructions; inability to estimate time; emotional outbursts. Read more: Chapter 2, Chapter 4
I
Individual Education Plan (IEP) A collaborative document developed under New Zealand's Learning Support framework and the Education and Training Act 2020 that records agreed adjustments, goals, and support strategies for students with additional learning needs. Schools work with whānau, Learning Support Coordinators (LSCs), and specialists to create and review these plans. What it looks like: A collaborative meeting with the school team and whānau; a plan that spells out adjustments such as sensory breaks, visual supports, extra time, modified curriculum, or specialist support hours (including ORS-funded support for verified high-needs students). Read more: Chapter 7
Interoception The sense of the internal state of the body (hunger, thirst, bathroom needs, heart rate). What it looks like: "Hangry" meltdowns because they didn't feel hunger until it was an emergency; wetting accidents; not realising they are hot/cold. Read more: Chapter 5
L
Launch Pad A designated physical zone near the door for all items needed to leave the house. What it looks like: A basket or shelf for shoes, coat, backpack, and lunchbox. Read more: Chapter 4
M
Masking (Camouflaging) Suppressing neurodivergent traits to fit in socially. What it looks like: Holding it together at school and exploding at home (Restraint Collapse); forcing eye contact; mimicking peers' scripts. Read more: Chapter 6
Meltdown An involuntary neurological response to overload. It is not a behaviour choice. What it looks like: Screaming, crying, aggression, fleeing; child is often unreachable and exhausted afterward. Read more: Chapter 5
Mirror Neurons Brain cells that fire both when we act and when we observe an action/emotion. They allow empathy but can cause "contagious dysregulation." What it looks like: Feeling physically stressed when your child is stressed; "catching" their panic. Read more: Chapter 9
Monotropism A theory of autism suggesting an intense, tunnel-vision style of attention. The brain focuses on a small number of interests at any one time, missing things outside this attention tunnel. What it looks like: Difficulty switching tasks; hyperfocus; distress when interrupted (because the "flow" is broken). Read more: Chapter 2
N
NASC (Needs Assessment and Service Coordination) New Zealand's gateway to funded disability supports through Te Whatu Ora. NASC assessors determine eligibility and coordinate services. What it looks like: Assessment meetings; referrals to funded therapies, carer support, equipment; navigating eligibility criteria. Read more: Chapter 7, Chapter 8
ORS (Ongoing Resourcing Scheme) Ministry of Education funding for students with verified high or very high learning support needs. Provides teacher aide hours and specialist support. What it looks like: Verification applications; specialist assessments; allocated support hours; Learning Support Coordinator meetings. Read more: Chapter 7, Chapter 8
Neuroception The subconscious system that scans the environment for safety or threat. Coined by Dr. Stephen Porges (Polyvagal Theory). What it looks like: A child feeling "unsafe" because of a tone of voice or a loud noise, triggering defence mechanisms. Read more: Chapter 3
Neurodivergent (ND) Having a brain that functions differently from the dominant standard (neurotypical). Includes ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, etc. What it looks like: The "operating system" metaphor used throughout this book. Read more: Chapter 1
Neuroplasticity The brain's ability to reorganise itself by forming new neural connections. What it looks like: Learning new coping skills; healing from trauma; changing habits over time. Read more: Chapter 11
O
ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) A diagnosis characterised by a pattern of angry/irritable mood, argumentative/defiant behaviour, or vindictiveness. Often a stress response or "threat-biased neuroception." What it looks like: Automatic "NO"; arguing about everything; seemingly seeking conflict to regulate. Read more: Chapter 2
P
Parallel Parenting A co-parenting style where parents disengage from each other to reduce conflict, parenting independently when the child is with them. The opposite of "co-operative co-parenting." What it looks like: Separate birthday parties; communication only via apps; no "united front" meetings; focused on the child's safety rather than parental consensus. Read more: Chapter 3
PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance / Pervasive Drive for Autonomy) A profile (often within the autism spectrum) characterised by an extreme, anxiety-driven resistance to everyday demands. What it looks like: Going into fight-flight-freeze over simple requests like "brush your teeth" or "eat dinner"; needing high control to feel safe. Read more: Chapter 2
Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) The "CEO" of the brain, responsible for logic, reasoning, and impulse control. It often goes "offline" during stress. What it looks like: The part of the brain you are trying to engage with logic (which fails during a meltdown). Read more: Chapter 5
Proprioception The sense of body position and movement (from muscles and joints). What it looks like: Seeking deep pressure (hugs, weighted blankets); crashing into furniture; stomping feet; chewing items. Read more: Chapter 5
R
Restraint Collapse The release of tension after a period of masking or holding it together (usually after school). What it looks like: A child who is an "angel" at school but melts down the moment they get in the car or home. Read more: Chapter 4, Chapter 6
RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) An informal term used within neurodivergent communities to describe an extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception of being rejected, teased, or criticised. Common in ADHD. What it looks like: A rage outburst because you looked at them "the wrong way"; intense shame after a minor mistake; giving up instantly if not perfect. Read more: Chapter 2, Chapter 6
S
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) Difficulty organising and responding to information from the senses. Can be hyper-sensitive (avoiding) or hypo-sensitive (seeking). What it looks like: Covering ears at toilets flushing; refusing certain clothing textures; needing to spin/move constantly. Read more: Chapter 2
Shutdown An internalized meltdown. The system goes offline instead of exploding. What it looks like: Going mute; curling into a ball; staring into space; unresponsiveness. Read more: Chapter 5
Spoon Theory A metaphor for limited energy reserves. You start the day with a set number of "spoons." Every task (showering, working, masking) costs a spoon. When they are gone, you are done. What it looks like: "I don't have the spoons for this argument right now"; needing recovery time after a social event. Read more: Chapter 9
Stimming (Self-Stimulatory Behaviour) Repetitive movements or sounds used to regulate the nervous system. What it looks like: Hand flapping, rocking, humming, pacing, fidgeting with a toy. It is healthy and functional. Read more: Chapter 5
Switch Cost The cognitive energy required to shift attention from one task to another. High in ADHD/Autism. What it looks like: Exhaustion or irritability when interrupted; difficulty moving from play to dinner. Read more: Chapter 6
T
Time Blindness The inability to sense the passage of time or estimate how long tasks take. Common in ADHD. What it looks like: "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" taking 30 minutes; genuine surprise that an hour has passed. Read more: Chapter 4
Transition Object An item that provides security and continuity when moving between environments. What it looks like: A specific stuffed animal, rock, or fidget that travels between mum's and Dad's houses. Read more: Chapter 6
V
Vestibular System The sense of balance and spatial orientation (located in the inner ear). What it looks like: Spinning, swinging, rocking; getting car sick easily (or never getting dizzy). Read more: Chapter 5
W
Window of Tolerance The optimal zone of arousal where a person can function and manage emotions. Above = hyperarousal (fight/flight). Below = hypoarousal (freeze/shutdown). What it looks like: The "Green Zone" where learning and connection happen. Read more: Chapter 5